Click here for a little magic card trick... If you know how it works, drop me an E-Mail so I can congratulate you. :-)
Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for ALL your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck!
5. Learn all the rules so you know how to break them "properly".
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth and others.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
1. Any and all
compliments can be handled by simply saying "thank you," though it helps if you
say it with a Southern accent.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after 3 margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
7. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
10. Everyone seems normal until you REALLY get to know them.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
13. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.
14. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
15. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
16. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
17. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
18. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
19. Work is good but it's not that important.
20 Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
And finally . . .
21 being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections
you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Too Closed and it just rots.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic or a car.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
11. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
12. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
14. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
15. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
16. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
17. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
18. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
19. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
20. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
1. Living on Earth
is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
2. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
3. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
4. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
5. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
6. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
7. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
8. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
9. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
10. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
11. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
am thankful for......
The partner who hogs the covers every night, because he/she is not out with someone else.***
The teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV, because that means he/she is at home and not on the streets.
For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I, am in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
For the lady/man behind me in church (OR singing Karaoke) that sings off key, because it means that I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes of in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.
For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
The next one is a LONG one...
Reasons why the English language is so hard to
A bandage is wound around the wound.
A farm is used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
He's a Polish Polish teacher. He's a Polish English teacher. He's an English Polish teacher. He's..aw...forget It!
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend who wears intimates (ooooops!!!!!!)?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a bell is rung, it rings, does a person hing when he's hung?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
You drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
See ya (though I don't).
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/NT or XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone
In case you're a blonde, this is a joke.
1. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work.
11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a station wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Now, a five-year-old can do it.
12. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
13. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."
15. Bush is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."
16. Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do
that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.
A = 1 B = 2 C = 3 D = 4 E = 5 F = 6 G = 7
H = 8 I = 9 J = 10 K = 11 L = 12 M = 13
N = 14 O = 15 P = 16 Q = 17 R = 18 S = 19
T = 20 U = 21 V = 22 W = 23 X = 24 Y = 25
Z = 26
H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
I Suppose that's enough for now... :-)
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